Hulk Hogan: The Cancer of Professional Wrestling

Posted: February 12, 2013 by Kick Out At 2! in Derick B
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WARNING: The views written are not the opinion of Kick Out @ 2! as an entity. This is a rambling from the resident Champ.

The Champ has laid dormant for quite some time. I enjoyed doing the weekly list, but truth be told, I wasn’t getting my message across as clear as I wanted to. Also, I have the attention span of a goldfish. But I wanted to do an opinion piece and felt this was the way to go.

Before I begin, I have already conditioned myself from the inevitable hate mail, death threats, attempted paper cuts, etc. that I’m going to receive. I know opinions of Hulk Hogan are polarized, but this is my opinion. So leave it at that.

Truth be told, I loved Hulk Hogan as a kid. I had the wrestling buddy, the cheap plastic WWF figures, the belt, the ring. I’d pathetically attempt to rip my shirt during his entrance. Hell, one of my first memories was Wrestlemania 6 with Hogan/Warrior (including crying after Hogan lost after 23 epic minutes). But that is not what I’m talking about now.  I’m talking about this guy:
This guy has done nothing short of piss me off on a fairly consistent basis. If he would have just left well enough alone and rode off into the “retirement sunset”, this article would not exist. But no.  He has to be in the spotlight. He needs the money, the fame, the joys of trying to live in a spotlight that passed him over after 10 years ago. That’s right people. 10 years. What has he done in the past 10 years?!? Only 1 thing comes to mind: Shawn Michaels making him look stupid at SummerSlam in 2005. If I’m wrong, PLEASE tell me.

The only thing that gives me any comfort is that he isn’t in the WWE. That idiotic old man would attempt to have his nose in every storyline, every match, and want the locker room to bow down to his direction. He’d be in the main feuds.  Knowing his track record, he would probably have his daughter brought in as well. Then, he would have her planted in the storyline somehow (a wedding, perhaps?), and spew their Alien-esque spittle all over it and corrupt it from the inside. Why does this sound familiar? (Tune into SpikeTV on Thursday nights @ 9pm to find out!)

One last thing: his moveset. That malarkey hasn’t changed in over 30 years. Lets go over it for those that have been fortunate to not watch Hogan in action, EVER.  I will be playing the sarcastic opponent.

I start beating Hogan down. I’m feeling it. Then, Old Man Winter goes into a seizure-like state and begins to convulse. I get scared, so I continue to hit him. After 3 well-placed punches, he stops, looks at me, then does an impression of Dikembe Mutombo and saying “No!”  Upset because its a bad impression, I try to punch again. But he catches it. And he hits me. And again, and again. By this time, I’m backed up against the ropes. Irish whip by “Mr. Brother brother brother brother…..brother”. I come off the ropes. I see the boot. I see the smears of all the talent that he shoved down to whence they came. Back under Hogan, because NO ONE gets over on Hogans’ behalf. I hit the boot and it drops me to the mat. He goes off the rope and hits me with a leg drop that smashes my hopes and dreams of ever getting into a title picture as long as he is around. 1. 2. 3. Hogan wins, and my push gets stalled. Big. Damn. Surprise.

In short: Leave Pro wrestling, Hogan. Leave it and never return. Everything you touch turns to crap. And NO company will ever make it with you still in the “spotlight”.

Alright guys, That’s all.  Like what I have to say? Wanna cuss me out so I lay awake at night over your profanities? Wanna send me free Merch? Follow me on twitter @DerickBody.

The Champ has spoken.

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